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Much Worse Things...

Breaking
This morning I awoke and rose...
I trudged upstairs to make coffee, turn on the computer, get breakfast, wash my face and brush my teeth...The usual morning routine. I ate breakfast (toast, cheese, apple, coffee) and then sat at the computer. I checked the email (nothing important) and comments (kind, funny, thoughtful), the weather (brilliantly sunny) and Google Reader (728 unread!!). I finished my coffee. My father called to see if I'd like to borrow his car for the day while he worked a shift for someone who is ill...
"No. Thanks but I feel like being alone today."
What I didn't say was I was still in my pajamas, my bed was left unmade and I had every intention of heading back to the warm and mindless sleep I had just left. I am not accustomed to feeling this way anymore...It makes it 100x worse because the fear of depression is almost as bad as depression itself. Almost enough to make me...Well, I wouldn't go that far. Let me just say that I will not go back there.
So I headed back to bed. I can do that. I have no obligations to anyone but myself. I don't have to make excuses to anyone. Miss Drooke happily follows me to the open sheets. She crawls in under the blankets and stretches so that her little body has contact with every inch of mine that is possible. She quickly settles into purring. Her little razor claws poking into my armpit every minute or so...
I lie there, staring at the ceiling. My thoughts dark, deep and changeable as the Atlantic. I brood on having to get through "this" once again...I feel dead and heavy and ungrateful. I feel guilty. Some people don't have the privilege of staying in bed all day; some people have to stay in bed all day everyday...I have so much. So much to do...So much to offer...So much to learn, and see, and photograph, and feel...And yet...I am alone. To do all things, alone...
And then I remember...
I have felt this way, and worse, when I wasn't alone. I remembered a staff Christmas Party I went to years ago. I was dressed to kill. I looked really good even to my own brutal eye. I went alone. The rest of the staff was coupled. Everyone inquired on my "date". I guess they figured it to be very sad that I couldn't even get a friend to go with me...I sat next to the woman (and her handsome husband) I liked and admired the most...Her husband was an ass. He flirted, he drank, he was crass, he made my cheeks burn with embarrassment more than once...I looked into the woman's eyes as I said to the table..."There are much worse things than coming alone." She lifted her glass and glared at the imbecile sitting next her. "Cheers to that!" and swallowed the glass' entire contents. For the rest of the night she and I laughed and talked. The husband sulked...In the dark of my bedroom I smiled. I lifted the covers..."Drooke want treats?" She was up the stairs faster than I could swing my legs over the edge.
I made the bed.

15 comments:

Sunny Rising Leather said...

Ah, so familiar.
Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help.
xoxox,
Allison

kerin rose said...

Andrea,

I think we forget, even with magical companionship, we still move through this life, essentially on our own...yes, company is a lovely buffer, and a beautiful gift.... but it also is what it is...shelter from the storm, ....even the most violent of storms, ultimately are our own responsibility to navigate..

I am sure Drooke is great company any day! ox

Line said...

I hope you feel better, I love the shot it's perfect with this post, take care x x x

janis said...

These feelings are so familiar to me, I understand... I will be wishing you brighter days with energy - and thanks for your good wishes too (on my blog) - they are much needed. Take care...xo, j.

ps. hooray for cats :^)

Sophia said...

I've been there a few times and sorry to hear you are there. Lifting you up from here!! Hugs!

emilypauline said...

Thanks for this it was encouraging because I know how this feels and it's all about accoplshing one day and one mood dampening thought at a time for me as well :)

Caroline said...

Hope you feel better!! XO

Temps perdu said...

I can relate to all your thoughts. And also how you feel. The balancing between guilt, feeling priviledged and knowing I have so much to offer...
Existence for me, is not as obvious as it seems to be for most people.

I appreciate your honesty.

P.K said...

Yes, there are much worse things...
This is a beautifully written post. The photo is amazing, the sea is so powerful and inspiring.

Maria-Thérèse afiori.com said...

I love that you were able to make that comment!!! Too often, we just swallow what we think - even I sometimes keep quiet and continue to be well-behaved and just hope my look will shoot little daggers into people - which it of course doesn't. I hope that you continue to see the beauty in the world and in what you do. Play around with colour, maybe, or bake or do something creative if you have the least amount of energy since it might give you a little bit more?

Fringe said...

Most of us have experienced exactly what you were feeling this day, sweet girl. We can feel this way even with a house full of people...

I agree a thousand times over that I would rather be alone than with a jerk such as the one described at the party. No contest. I think the key to life is learning to love ourselves.

I find it a very good sign that you could bring yourself around and make the bed. Bravo, dearest!

Much love! xoxo

Anne @ The City Sage said...

Thank you for this Andrea. I have been there and I'm sure I'll be there again. And thank you for making the bed---know that we're out here thinking of you and struggling to make our beds too!

Appreciate you stopping by my blog and commenting today. That pic of the striped shirt on the model holding the (delicious delicious) bread is an all time fave! Alas, the skirt went on sale and I missed out...

Your writing is a soothing balm to my soul :)

eNVe said...

most definitely.. cheers to that! Andrea, you are one incredible writer. I'm so glad I found your blog through Dennice. Hopefully I can get my pen going again as well. Looking forward to reading more here.

Ange said...

Somehow, somewhere, the trick is to finding the love inside. No amount of positive words from us all can change that 'aloneness' feeling, but we'll keep trying anyway!. Some people don't realise they have it as they fill their lives up so much with other things. Like you say - we can feel alone in a crowd, even a crowd full of friends. So it must be inside and in there somewhere. Deep down. Sometimes I catch glimpses of it through meditation. The glimmer is in there ... definitely ;-)

.kat. said...

I am so amazed at your honesty and
willingness to be open about your
thoughts here. I have been in a
very similar place to where you
were in this post. It wasn't until
I realized that the freedom of being
alone allowed me to take flight in
ways that I wouldn't have been able
to otherwise. Take this time to soar!
:)