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in my own defense {a musing; not amusing} {random and incoherent}

i am not perfect. though someone seems to believe i think i am. i make huge, terrible, life altering mistakes...i berate myself for being so imperfect. often.
i would like to get married. someday. to someone who likes me "just as i am"...i would like to have a small, eccentric wedding in my dad's backyard. the cheapest. the love priceless...
i want to be a lot thinner. because the clothing i love is only in small sizes. vanity? yes. i am so imperfect you see.
i love vintage things. i always have. but now i'm afraid to buy vintage because of all the talk of bed bugs. i am paranoid about bed bugs. is this the end of second hand?
i am struggling. all-the-time. i can not seem to get a hold of anything solid...the earth is moving and shifting and sending me reeling about.
i wish i were stronger. i wish i were better. i wish i had better balance. i wish i was understood...i wish a lot lately. not on stars. on me.
i wish i was one of know the type. but i'm one of these instead. not too shabby alone but with, so much less.
i wish the snow lasted longer here. when i was a kid the snowbanks were full until the sunshine of spring made it's withdrawal...this place gives tiny servings. i am not satiated. ~growl~
i need a friend. someone who has been here, and there, and knows...i am too greedy for friendship most days. and so i am 'solitarily' confined. except for my cat. luckily she has a nasty disposition towards others of her kind or i could slip into crazy~with~lots~of~cats~lady territory very easily.
it's been a very difficult time. it will everything does.
i need a cigarette. i've never smoked.
i've not read in four days. a record i think...i am afraid of another ending...

do not worry these are the ramblings of a mind which has seen better this reflects me. and gives me a little space to breathe and hope.

hope you are better organized than i today!



kate i said...

I love your openess and honesty Andrea...yeah, some days are better than others, some years better than others too. (I've had a few of the not-so-great ones myself for the last few years).

And anyone of value and discernment would be honoured to call you friend!

Nina said...

Dear Andrea, or are you me? I´m getting confused, it could have been me writing...
I´m not doing well at all. I also wish I was one of those. Sometimes I am, but right now I´m stuck in the shadows and I find it really hard to find my path.
Sending you warm thoughts. Take care.
I´m dreaming of an exhebition in London, Eadweard Muybridge. I wish I could afford to fly ower to see it.

EVA said...

Hi Andrea!

Big hug. Everyone is imperfect. It is our very different and unique imperfections that make us interesting. And you are!

Hope your wishes come true!

(And bed bug fears - oh yeah! Scary!! I spent more for a bed bug mattress and pillow cover than the sheet/comforter sets when my daughter went to university this year out of shear paranoia!)

Tammy said...

Does my sweet, beautiful friend need a hug today?? Send you lots. :)

lejardengirl said...

Andrea...thank you so much that was most lovely...for I have the same feeling my dear...

MrsLittleJeans said...

I am glad to know that your brain ramblings are not far from my own...I wish I could be near you, I know I would be loving your friendship...I too would be a crazy cat lady and lucky that our doodles won't have the company of another kittie, so there we are.

I think you will get married...the reason you are not maybe that you have not decided who you want.

I am not better organized but I have a lot to do and so each time I get something done I say 'yeah'

You are super...don't change too much!


Lorena, sometimes... said...

you could have been writing this about ME, too ... exactly me.
you are NOT alone!

i don't have any sun to send today:
so, a big tight hug will have to do

hang in there!!!

CrowNology said...

OH sweet friends!
Thank you for these words {a comfort a little like holding a hand}...For letting me know that it's You too...I admire you all so much; let each of us extend the kindness to include ourselves.
Much Love.

♥ w o o l f ♥ said...

no bed bugs! never!
are your sure?
i like your vulnerability. it takes courage to show.

gallerydarrow said...

Sometimes just writing it down makes you feel better.
I'm afraid of bed bugs too, yikes! (and head lice) I don't like ticks or fleas either. okay going down a road here..
Warm hugs, you're worthy, talented, brilliant, coragous and don't forget that! as to marriage it WILL work out especially if you keep the cat population to a minimum :) XO, ro

Jim said...


Not to diminish your struggles, so many of us know exactly feelings and concerns that you describe. What's wonderful is your ability to express it openly and in your gentle and graceful way. I wish you well. I wish you all the love you can stand.

sunny smiles said...

Maybe you have read this before, if so, maybe you could think of it as a reminder. I read it for the first time yesterday ( and I knew these words were exactly what my heart was needing to hear. I'm passing it on...

The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing. It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive. It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring the moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your sorrow, have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed for fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human. It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself, if you can bear accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy. I want to know if you can see beauty even when it is not pretty everyday, and if you can source your life from it's presence. I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon...YES! It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done for the children. It doesn't interest me who you are or how you came to be here. I want to know if you can stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back. It doesn't interest me what or where or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in empty moments.

by Oriahe Mountain Dreamer

The Noisy Plume: said...

I could just put my wings around you and crush you to bits, I love you so.